Non-Anniversary

So tomorrow will be five years ago that I married J the jerk. It seems amazing to me that five years have really gone by, but it also seems crazy that it has only been five years. I feel so removed from that day. In all honesty, it was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I remember feeling so beautiful and loved. With the exception of a morning "I can't find my car keys" freak-out, it was a perfect day. Well, perfect except for the fact that I was marrying the WRONG guy.

Now that I am older and wiser, I can see so many reasons why I should not have walked down the isle with him five years ago. At the same time, though, if I hadn't been through that experience and the four years of marriage that followed, I would not be able to appreciate my life now with someone who is a million times better. I am glad I got to experience the big southern wedding too, because I know that my next wedding will definitely not be like that. I would much prefer my next wedding to be on the beach of some gorgeous caribbean island with me (skinny this time hopefully) in a much simpler dress marrying a much more made-for-me man.

It's just so strange to look back on five years ago, though, and realize the kinds of mistakes I made with my life back then. On the flip side, at least I can look at life now and realize how far I have come. You would think, though, that I would be so much happier now. And I am. Sort of. I have no reason to be unhappy. It is just taking a lot longer to get rid of the emotional baggage that I started building up five years ago. I wish it could be as simple as burning my wedding dress
(picture of my wedding dress inserted, without me modeling it of course) in the backyard and dancing around it at midnight three times, but there is no secret voodoo that I know of for getting rid of painful memories and negative thoughts that have become habit after years of emotional abuse. The dress, FYI, is sitting in a closet downstairs and I am either going to list it on ebay or take it to some consignment shop and sell it for whatever I can get for it. It would be a shame to burn a $1500 dress, but I would do it if I thought it would cure everything that's wrong with me.

I wonder how long it will be before March 29th is just another day, with no real significance and barely a memory of that event. Right now, it feels kind of like I imagine it would feel to remember the day someone died that you loved but who hurt you. Someone you loved but who you weren't necessarily sad to see go. Right now, there is still too much emotion and too many feelings of loss associated with that day to forget it. I know that I do not want to be back there again and I am glad that I have moved on, but that doesn't mean that I am totally over it all yet either, if that makes sense. I lost so much of myself the day I married him, and it is taking me years to find it again. I will never really be the same again. So, tomorrow I will non-celebrate my non-anniversary. Just a weird feeling.