Money Worries

For the majority of my adult life, I have been worried about money. Now, probably that has largely to do with the fact that during my college years I severely abused credit cards and put myself into enormous amounts of debt right off the bat. Even though my parents eventually did dig me out of that credit card hole, I was still always worried about money. I have been through times in my life where I was struggling to balance who needs to get paid first based on who was least likely to turn my shit off if I didn't pay it on time. I spent years where digging through the couch for change was the only way I was going to buy gas to get to work. I have these horrid memories of waking up one morning to the sound of the air conditioning going off because they guy had just shut off my power.

Anyone who has ever lived with that kind of worry knows exactly what I'm talking about when I say money worries. It's like it's trained on me now and the only way I will ever cure myself of that worry is if I have a million dollars in extra spending money someday. Even though I have a reasonable amount of money in the bank right now, I have to admit that there is still the slightest catch of breath when it takes too long for my card to process at the grocery store. I know that feeling of the words "Declined" coming across that ATM swiper all too well, and it is not a good feeling.

I know they say that money is the root of all evil, but honestly, I think that not having money is just as evil. Maybe that means that living somewhere in between rich and poor is the best, but I have to tell you that there is a very big part of me that wants to experience what it feels like to be rich for a change. Can you imagine having the type of life where you could fly to the Bahamas, stay in a suite with your own private chef, stay for a full week and get massages, go to nice dinners, and fly home without ever having to even glance at your bank account to think about what it's costing you? What if you could live in a house that someone else cleaned? And you could afford a decorator who designed all of your rooms based on your personal tastes and style? Those things all sound amazing, but best of all would be never having to really WORRY about it.

And here's the thing: I know in my deepest heart of hearts that if I truly applied myself to writing, I could create a worry-free life for myself. I don't know if I could ever be so rich that I had a personal chef or anything like that, but I know that I coud make enough money to have all of my needs taken care of without worry. So what's holding me back? I have been writing now for over 9 months, technically... and I haven't really submitted anything for publishing. The only thing holding me back is ME, and believe me, I know that. I wish that I could just wake up tomorrow and somehow magically have the energy to become everything that I know I'm capable of becoming. I wish that I could live up to my potential today and everyday from now on. Why can't I? If I had the answer to that question, I'd already be rich, I think.