Success and Failure

While working through my own issues with confidenc and inner struggles with the decisions and choices I have made, I have slowly been realizing that I have based so much of my happiness on expectations,some of which I am not entirely sure where they came from. Let me explain...

There is a part of me that feels a little like a failure just because I am 31 and am not married with children. Now, as much as I champion Sex and the City and their single girl life, there will always be a part of me that feels like I should follow the standard southern girl path of married around 24 with kids around 26'ish. Where did this expectation come from? This idea of success? It's not like my parents told me that I should be married with kids. It probably has more to do with the small town church type atmosphere where they constantly bombard you with questions about your relationships and such from the age of 15. Also, you watch every single person you went to high school with getting married and having kids and you start to feel like the odd man out.

Another example is the idea that by 31 my career should be set in a 9-5 type job making decent money and earning retirement. Being an "artist" or "musician" was cute back in the day, but if you haven't made it by now, chances are you should teach or find some other means of employment, right? If you can't hold down a job that people can easily define, you aren't truly successful. Or at least that's the way I feel against my own will. Truthfully, staying home, taking a risk to achieve my dreams as a writer, THAT should be success. But there's some unseen code written into my genetics or something that constantly nags at me otherwise. A lot of this comes from my parents, I know. Maybe they just want me to be happy and they think that only stability in money can lead to my happiness, but aren't they the ones who told me that I could do anything I set my mind to? Or did that somehow expire when I hit 30??

G and I have talked about this a lot. I think there are a lot of hidden messages sent to women in our country about what equals success and what equals failure. Marriage (happy or unhappy doesn't really matter as long as you have your act together in public), two or three kids, and a steady stable job. That is the magic equation. You should go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6, exercise, eat right, wear certain kinds of clothes and tell cute stories about your adorable children. In terms of All-American happiness, I guess I am an All-American loser. I know I am not a failure, but I'm so tired of struggling against these invisible but very real barreiers that were placed on me and ingrained in me since childhood. This is definitely something I need to think about a bit more. I have to get to Weight Watchers though and try to continue my journey to at least looking more like I "should". I'll leave you with this: watch Carrie Underwood's new video to her song "All-American Girl" and tell me this... How many stereotypes of typical American happiness and expectations can you see??