Fear is the Enemy

I was feeling like crap all day yesterday, pretty much. Sore back, tummy ache, stuffy head, etc. I still made sure to get my writing done and to do some research and plot work for my next idea, but I wasn't feeling particularly creative to be honest. Not really a great way to start a test of my ability to kick my own ass, but at least I still got some work done.

My sweet boyfriend came home after lunch to make sure I was okay (and I suspect, to pick up his forgotten ID badge, but we'll pretend it was just for me). He let me lay down in the bed while he massaged my back and it was the sweetest thing in the world. He is so good to me, and it felt so nice to have his warm hands moving across my pained back. His hands always feel so soft and warm. Afterwards, I felt a little bit rejuvenated and ready to get back to the computer to write some more for the day.

He messaged me later on saying that I should write about what it feels like to be sick as reference for when one of my characters finds themselves sick. I think that is a pretty good idea, actually, but sometimes it is harder to write about how you feel right now than it is to look back on it later and write about it. There's just something about an experience being too close that makes it more difficult to write about. Or is that just another excuse that I use? Hmm, interesting thought, but I'll come back to that later. He also asked me "what did my massage feel like?" and wanted a descriptive answer. I immediately knew that I did not want to describe that massage. It was like a feeling came over me that I did not want to name, but which eventually I recognized as FEAR. Sure, this is a simple example of how fear can interrupt your life or even control your actions, but it is a true and honest example. Immediately I was concerned about creating a description and having it judged.

My first thought was of sabotage. To simply write, "It felt good." and dare him to criticise me or say I am a horrible writer. After all, isn't it always easier to pretend to be bad just so you can control the response? That way you don't actually have to try your best and still risk being told that it isn't good enough. My second thought was of procrastination, and that is the one I went for. I told him simply, "I am working on something else atm." He of course, understood, and said that I could tell him later. Crisis averted. Criticism avoided. Fear wins yet again.