Voices in My Head

Sometimes I feel as if there are several me's alive inside of this one body, and I can't seem to figure out which one is real enough to focus on. There is one me that constantly puts me down. Sort of an outside looking in me that sees nothing but the flaws and the bad things. She is quick to remind me of any negatives about myself the second they rear their ugly heads, and never ceases to let me forget that I am not at all what I had meant to be.

There is another me that is just so tired all the time. She wants to crawl into bed 30 seconds after she's just crawled out. Every time the subject of hard work comes up or of exercise or wanting to make myself better, she emerges and lays her heavy weight on my heart.

Another me chimes in and says that I should just go back to teaching because that's the best I'll ever be. It was a respectable career that I sort of enjoyed, and even though there is not much chance of advancement, at least it was a steady paycheck. No one could be disappointed in me as a teacher as long as I was doing my best and working hard to make a difference. I was proud of myself as a teacher and even though it's not my dream, it was at least something.

The dreamer in me whispers to hang on, don't give up, go for your dreams. She shakes her head at my failures and my daily choices and begs me to wake up and take action. In fact, she's not whispering at all. She's screaming her lungs out. It only sounds like a whisper because of the louder parts of my psyche that are telling me to quit, give up, be lazy, go to bed. She's the one I want to believe in the most, because she makes me feel like anything is possible and that tomorrow is a brand new chance for me. But if she's the real me, then how come I can't find a way to shut everyone else up and only listen to the dreamer?

Maybe none of those voices are me. Maybe it's all just noise in my head, keeping me from true peace and happiness. I don't know, honestly. I guess this part of my life journey is about figuring that out and learning how to be my best self. Am I getting down to it too late I wonder?