While working through my own issues with confidenc and inner struggles with the decisions and choices I have made, I have slowly been realizing that I have based so much of my happiness on expectations,some of which I am not entirely sure where they came from. Let me explain...
There is a part of me that feels a little like a failure just because I am 31 and am not married with children. Now, as much as I champion Sex and the City and their single girl life, there will always be a part of me that feels like I should follow the standard southern girl path of married around 24 with kids around 26'ish. Where did this expectation come from? This idea of success? It's not like my parents told me that I should be married with kids. It probably has more to do with the small town church type atmosphere where they constantly bombard you with questions about your relationships and such from the age of 15. Also, you watch every single person you went to high school with getting married and having kids and you start to feel like the odd man out.
Another example is the idea that by 31 my career should be set in a 9-5 type job making decent money and earning retirement. Being an "artist" or "musician" was cute back in the day, but if you haven't made it by now, chances are you should teach or find some other means of employment, right? If you can't hold down a job that people can easily define, you aren't truly successful. Or at least that's the way I feel against my own will. Truthfully, staying home, taking a risk to achieve my dreams as a writer, THAT should be success. But there's some unseen code written into my genetics or something that constantly nags at me otherwise. A lot of this comes from my parents, I know. Maybe they just want me to be happy and they think that only stability in money can lead to my happiness, but aren't they the ones who told me that I could do anything I set my mind to? Or did that somehow expire when I hit 30??
G and I have talked about this a lot. I think there are a lot of hidden messages sent to women in our country about what equals success and what equals failure. Marriage (happy or unhappy doesn't really matter as long as you have your act together in public), two or three kids, and a steady stable job. That is the magic equation. You should go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6, exercise, eat right, wear certain kinds of clothes and tell cute stories about your adorable children. In terms of All-American happiness, I guess I am an All-American loser. I know I am not a failure, but I'm so tired of struggling against these invisible but very real barreiers that were placed on me and ingrained in me since childhood. This is definitely something I need to think about a bit more. I have to get to Weight Watchers though and try to continue my journey to at least looking more like I "should". I'll leave you with this: watch Carrie Underwood's new video to her song "All-American Girl" and tell me this... How many stereotypes of typical American happiness and expectations can you see??
Success and Failure
New Trailer for SATC leaked
Someone has leaked the extended movie trailer for Sex and the City, so I of course went straight to youtube to watch it yesterday. It looks amazing. From what I can tell, it looks like the main idea of the movie is Carrie getting married to Big (aka John James Preston). One clip has her saying "I let the wedding get bigger than Big." which seems to spell out trouble in paradise for the two off-again-on-again lovers. The trailer also makes it look like maybe Steve cheated on Miranda, which is very hard to believe, and will most definitely make me cry. Charlotte gets pregnant, and also has many scenes with her now 2 or 3 year old daughter. It's hard to tell what's going on with Samantha, but I didn't see Smith in any of the clips so far. My personal favorite part of the trailer though is when Big asks Carrie if he should get her a diamond and she says, "No, just get me a really big closet!" I cannot wait for this movie to come out! It's like seeing long lost friends again and catching up on what's been going on in their lives. i can't believe they are making me wait until the end of May. How cruel.
Three Poems
Today finds me at a loss of what to write about, so instead I will share a couple of poems that I wrote a while back. They are a bit rough, but from the heart.
Memory
In a bar across town
We gathered with smiles
And friendly faces.
I eased into the moment
Afraid of the hopes it held
In laughter and good time fun.
But just as I began to breathe
Someone lit the mach
And inhaled depply.
The source of it all was there
On the table burning slowly
Like a fogotten campfire.
I watched as the white ghost of it
Raised up in circles
Twisting and slightering upwards.
It danced with the air around me
And became a part of the mood
Of the place...
I watched, unable to move,
A the phantom snake
Coiled around my neck.
I couldn't help but breath it in.
And even then I knew
That later I would be able
To smell it in my hair.
Homecoming
I Remember swimming in the basement
of the hotel my last night in Frankfurt.
the pool drinking the tears from my eyes,
savoring them like salt-water taffy
deep in the water's womb
the hum in my ears was almost a lullaby
almost peace
each sound a muffled cousin of its true-self
but I could find no sanctuary
in the immersion
i used to Love as a child.
I Remember-
as a child, I used to Love -
but I do not remember the flight across the sea -
only my mother's face
and the way it felt to be coming home.
Reversal
My body is an open cup,
my cave is mystery, designed to receive
yet hidden and warm and dark.
Your body is a piercing sword,
Your rock is earth-bound, penetrating,
solid and towering and strong.
Yet, it is you who is mysterious.
It is you who opens your mouth and leans your head back
while I pour myself into you like a waterfall.
No wonder it makes me want you more.
You expand my emptiness,
punctuate my need for you.
Be careful with this role reversal
or you may become the one who,
not designed to hold it in,
is so full you fall to the ground in a wasted splash,
instead of releasing yourself in that thrust of love
and passion I wonder if you’ve ever truly felt…
while I become but a speck of dust on your hand,
a ghost of feeling, dried out,
and brushed away on the wind.
Valerie Bertinelli's New Book
Valerie Bertinelli has a book that just came out called "Losing It: And Gaining my Life Back One Pound at a Time" and I think I am going to go buy it today. I got a coupon from Barnes and Noble today to get it for only fifteen bucks, so I think I should go get it. Not just because I have a coupon, but because it directly applies to my life also. Yesterday I was folding clothes and happened to turn on the TV and see Oprah's interview of Valerie. First of all, she looks amazing. I remember when I first saw the Jenny Craig commercial of her where she was so big, and I thought, wow, is that really her? Now, though, she looks amazing! And how old is she? Right around 40 I would guess, but she doesn't look a day older than 30 in my opinion.
Her interview was pretty interesting yesterday. I had no idea she had such an amazing sense of humor! She talked about her relationship with Steven Spielberg back when she was 19 and about how she met Van Halen and their life together. She talked about having a moment when she was watching a recent made-for-tv movie that she did for Hallmark and she barely recognized herself. She said she was thinking "Who is that ugly, old, fat woman?" and she knew she had to lose weight. Then she talked about how with every pound she lost, she also let go of some personal and emotional baggage that she had been carrying around. I think I need to do that too.
She has baggage, she says, about her marriage to Eddie because they both cheated on each other and had a lot of rough times. I don't have any cheating baggage (at least I dont know that he cheated on me), but I do have baggage of other kinds, and it isn't fair to G if I keep holding onto it. Holding onto the past is really just another way that we find an excuse to not move on and make the most of our future. If we hold onto it, we can always say "well, I wouldn't feel that way except that in the past, such and such happened to me and I never really got over it." We play the sympathy card with ourselves and with others in order to avoid certain things. If we let go of all the bad things that happened to us, we sort of lose our crutch, so to speak. We can't fall back on that trusty excuse anymore. Of course, our past makes us who we are, to a certain extent. We should accept that, embrace it, and move on so that we can create positive memories and experiences from now on.
In her interview with Oprah, Valerie said something that I realy took to heart. She said that she had been focusing on the negative in life for so long that she finally thought it was time to give the good thoughts a try. She changed her outlook on life and on her own body and self, pictured how she wanted to look and what she wanted to be like, and then she took steps to become that. Oprah held up her book and showed her the cover, then asked "Is this who you pictured?" Valerie's eyes teared up and she had an AHA! moment about her own success and she said, "Yes, yes it is."
Angelina and Brad Get Ready for Number 5
Angelina Jolie-Pitt is having another baby. This will be the second biological child of Brad and Angelina, but will be their 5th child including their adopted children. Their family of four (Maddox, 6; Pax, 4; Zahara, 3; and biological child Shiloh, 1) is expanding to five, and it doesn't seem that they will stop there. I guess it doesn't really affect me one way or another if they stop at five or if they have 100 children. But what gets me is this: How can they raise five kids, have non-stop blockbuster movie deals, meet with world leaders to discuss their opinions, and manage fame and looking fabulous 24 hours a day? Not to mention still keeping up with their marriage, which appears to be the model of perfection?? I can hardly keep my laundry done.
I guess you could attribute their success in keeping their lives together to money, but we all know that money does not exactly equal happiness and I've-got-my-life-together-ness (as shown by celebs like Britney and about 1000 others). I think that is what intrigues me so much about them. How do they do it all? And is it real? Or are they only showing us what they want us to see? Tabloids have certainly tried to dish out trash about how Brad still loves Jennifer and how Angelina throws temper tantrums, but those stories never seem to rile the couple as they continue to snuggle and smile, babies all around them. I guess one part of me thinks they are complete fakes. I can imagine them secretly having 8 nannies who run their household and arguing all the time when they actually see each other, only putting on their smiles for the public to see. I picture Angelina Jolie crying about how Brad cheats on her or how their perfect life is all a big game. Sometimes it's easier to imagine that it's fake, because if it's not, then I'm way behind on the success curve.
But another part of me sincerely hopes that in the middle of all the Hollywood buzz and drama, there is a real modern family that loves each other and are really truly happy and successful in every area of their lives. Why would I hope for that or even care? Because it would at least prove that it is possible. And if that is possible in a world where cameras are always in your face and pressure is all around you, then it's possible anywhere in anyone's life. I may not have that exact kind of happiness yet (and I definitely don't think five children would equal happiness for me, haha)... I feel that I am on the cusp of it. I mean, life is never going to be perfect, but why settle for less before you even try to find that perfect happiness?
Get Better Already!
I HATE being sick. Not that there's anyone who actually enjoys it, but seriously, I am fucking miserable. I have had a severe cold for four days now and geniunely felt better yesterday. Foolishly, I believed that when I woek up this morning I would magically be all better. Not so. I think in some ways I actually feel worse. How is that possible??
There is so much pressure behind my eyes that they feel like they are going to pop out of their sockets and lead a life of their own any minute. When I blow my nose, it comes out bright green and yellow and I'm thinking that just is not a good sign at all. Right now, I would probably kill to have two nostrils I could actually breath out of or be able to take a deep breath period without coughing. When I talk,I hear hints of losing my voice altogether, which is never a good thing either. And you know that under-water hearing you get when you have a cold? It's as if I've reverted back to my mother's womb and everyone is trying to talk to me through a pod of fluid.
I don't think I have the flu because you usually get a fever with the flu right? I think all I'm really battling here is the common cold, but this is brutal. I guess I am a bit of a wimp. I mean, millions of people go through this every day right? How do people actually go to work feeling like this? I know that I used to go and actually jump around to silly Kindergarten music all day feeling like this, but somehow I've regressed into severe wimpiness I guess, because there is no way I could teach music today if I had to. What I really want to do is crawl right back into bed. The problem is, that even though I know I need rest, the cold itself rebells against my wellness and makes my sleep miserable by clogging up my nose even worse and waking me up with coughs and general ickiness.
What kind of ickiness you might ask? I had vivid dreams last night about my sister trying to shoot me with her 20 gauge shotgun and also my ex-husband J made a few cameo appearances. How much worse could sleep really get?
I think I will just bundle up under my Hello Kitty blanket and watch last night's episodes of Survivor and American Idol that I recorded. That's bound to make me feel better.
The Essence of Cool
What makes something cool? Have you ever noticed that something that looks so cool on someone else can look totally stupid on you? Maybe I'm alone here, but I see some great fashion or trend and think it looks hot... but the second I try to replicate it in my own wardrobe, it just looks hokey or stupid. Sometimes I am able to attribute this to the fact that I had to buy the "cheap" versions of the style because there was no way I was paying $400 for a pair of plaid pants or whatever. But I think the inevitable truth of it is that it comes down to how cool the person is that is trying to pull it off. #1 Ingredient needed for coolness? Confidence. Without a doubt. If you believe in something and have complete confidence in what you are doing or wearing, you can make anything work. For example, Shakira. Look at the way she dances. If I tried to dance like that I would constantly be thinking "oh my god, I look like an idiot". And the result would probably be that I, in fact, looked like an idiot. Shakira, however, looks totally hot no matter what she does. Even when she's doing that weird twitchy sort of dancing, she looks amazing. She's totally confident and that's why it works.
Of course, when I think about it, confidence can't be all there is to it. If you watched the American Idol auditions, you saw that there are lots of people out there who are confident and sure that they are good at what they are doing, but who look completely ridiculous to everyone else. So what's the second ingredient? To be honest, I am not sure. If I knew, I would probably have been a lot more popular growing up. From what I saw in High School, being cool was so much about who was willing to have sex and get drunk or have fun. I don't think that's really the key now that I'm older. I think it has more to do with looking good sometimes than anything else. Shakira looks good doing whatever because she just looks good period. So Ingredient #2 is good looks?? No, because there are cool ugly people right? Like Weird Al or even Steven Tyler. Maybe the key is just to know yourself and what really works for you. For the whore in my high school that lost her virginity at 13... sex and drugs worked for her and made her super popular for that time in her life.
I don't really have anyone that I want to be "cool" for right now, but i definitely need to work on my confidence and knowing myself better. I grew up in the middle of a family where my sister was always the coolest, even at my own birthday parties, she was the one people wanted to hang out with... and where my brother was the good looking personable one that everyone loved. As for me? I guess I was the nerdy one that had great potential. Can someone be 31 and still have potential? I hope so. It's about time I found that confidence I have always come up short of. Who knows? Maybe I'll publish a very cool book and be the coolest 32 year old writer to ever live. :)
