The Sweetie Chronicles

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

Depression: Does it Ever Disappear Completely?

Lately, I feel like I have fallen back into some bad routines. I want to sleep a lot more than usual (a simple result of the fact that I feel tired all the time). I am having a hard time getting motivated. I feel generally down a lot. It doesn't really make sense that after a few years of battling depression, and, I thought, beating it, that this has come back. It's a mild case compared to the way I used to feel, but I still recognize the symptoms.

So why? Well, I have a theory on that too, but it doesn't exactly make me happy. Speaking of happy, this is really a very happy time in my life. I have goals again for the first time in a long time. My husband is amazing and our marriage is still young - not even two months yet. We're very happy together. My writing is going better than ever and everyone who reads my current WIP has nothing but good things to say about its potential. Financially, we're way more secure than we were this time last year and actually were able to come out after the wedding without having taken anything out of savings. Things are going well, so why would I be feeling symptoms of depression coming back?

The only thing I can really figure is that it's related to the original source of most of my depression issues. 10 years ago, I was assaulted, and let's just leave it at that. The man was pretty much let go and allowed to live free for the next nearly five years. During that time, I sunk down into a pretty crazy depression. Thoughts of suicide, feelings of complete self-hatred, gaining weight, even going so far as to marry someone who obvious wasn't right for me (self-sabotage perhaps?). Most of my goals disintegrated into nothingness and for a while, I was fine with just existing and never reaching for anything better. Then, he assaulted someone else and because of her pain, I was given my day in court too. Between both stories, the man was put away - sentenced to 8 years in prison.

When I was on my way home to GA a couple weeks ago for my bday, I got a call telling me that he was being released the very next day. Now, I knew this was coming. I got a notice about it in December. But they said he wouldn't get out until May and I thought I had more time to get used to the idea. The phone call was somewhat of a shock. Someone processed the papers wrong and miscalculated his days or some shit, and so, long story short, his release date was supposed to be January, not May. Now, he's living just the next state over, and after a google maps search, I realized it's only a 3 hour drive from here. That doesn't make me feel comfortable at all. I hate that he's closer to me than most of the people I love. It makes me sick to my stomach.

So what's the next plan? I thought that once I got over those feelings of depression, they would be gone forever. Apparently I was wrong. Even when I was finally feeling happier than I had in years and years, I still wasn't immune to these fears and these feelings. It makes me wonder if depression ever really goes away completely? Or if it lingers somewhere in the darkest depths of your heart and shows itself when any weakness allows it to rise up to the surface? All I know is that I can't let it drag me down again to the place where I was before.

2 comments:

Mandy February 9, 2010 at 10:19 AM  

I think something like that will never go away and even if he'd been released in May you'd never gotten "used to the idea". I have no answers for you, but now your openness is comforting to those who can't materilize in words there thoughts and feelings like you do so well! So maybe put all those feelings into written words, it may be not only therarpeutic to you but others too

tonya February 11, 2010 at 12:32 PM  

what mandy said :) love you keep your head up

Sarra Cannon

Young Adult Indie Author

I always secretly wanted to be a cheerleader. And a witch. Now, I write about both. The first five novels in my Peachville High Demons Young Adult Paranormal series are available now in ebook!

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