Setbacks

Sometimes it feels as though no matter how hard I try to move forward, I keep slipping back into old routines and bad habits. It's especially tough when something I thought was long gone sneaks back into my mind or my life. Like what? Well, yesterday we were out walking the dogs when I had an all too familiar thought. There were two cars sitting in the parking lot next to each other, their drivers talking, with one SUV facing towards me as I crossed the driveway. For a split second, I thought, "I wish that SUV would be not paying attention and pull out and hit me right now." I know, sick and twisted thought. I quickly pushed it from my mind, but it was there.

I am so scared that I will never be the person that I want to be. Maybe I'm too damaged to ever fully heal. I know that after a year of reflection and time to write and get it together, I should be so much better right now than I am. I am scared that I see disappointment on G's face. I am certain that the answer to a better me can only be found inside myself, but self-fixing is so much harder than I thought it would be.