Self-Sabotage

Have you ever had the experience of wanting something so badly you were almost afraid to try to get it? It doesn't make sense, really. Logically, if you want something, you do everything in your power to get it. But our actions aren't always logical. Or at least mine aren't.

I have wanted to be a writer all my life. I used to dream of being a poet, to be honest. Writing novels, especially romances, was more of a secret dream. The only time I ever wrote a long story and submitted it to a contest, I got creamed by the "judges" saying my characters were shallow and the storyline was over-dramatic. It took me years to try again.

Now, I find that I actually am a writer. All that I have to do is finish a few books and get them sent out. My first manuscript has been rejected a few times, but every editor has had something nice and encouraging to say about my writing... and that's my first try in the world of publishing a romance.

So, here I am with a novel completely mapped out and ready to go. All I have to do is get it written. It's a good idea that other people are loving and anxious to read. Why am I scared to write it? I know that I want to be a writer with all of my heart, and I know that I am so close to being published. What's holding me back? I have worked on the novel a little bit, but I haven't worked on it like I really need to in order to get it sent out by my tentative goal date (which, by the way, is looming).

Maybe it's something about knowing that I'm so close and being comfortable right there. It's a lot more fun to be "close" to success than to fail yet again. Deep down, after all of this encouragement, I'm terrified that I'll submit my finished manuscript to Harlequin with hope in my heart only to have them hate it and send it back with some form letter rejection. If that happens, will it be the end of the world? No, of course not. But I'll no longer feel close to being published, and I'll no longer feel like I'm on the edge of success. It will just be another rejection, and I'll basically be right back where I started.

Yes, I'm being whiny, and yes, I will stop. The point of the post isn't to whine. It's just more to ask myself why I am so intent on self-sabotage. Why, at the very moment of being close to my greatest success, do I slow down to a crawl rather than breaking out into a run? Like I said, it isn't logical. It's just some gut reaction. But now that I'm aware that I've been putting off the hard work of getting this novel written, I can't ignore it or put it off any more. Rejection or not, I'll never be published if I stop writing. This particular book still might not be "The One" for me, but I know I'm getting better with each new piece, and as long as I never give up, I will be a published author.

Now, I just need to repeat that to myself a thousand times a day...