Not as Easy as it Looks

I have a folder in my bookmarks that is called "Blogs I Find Interesting" and it is filled with witty, amazing blogs that I visit often, if not daily. I suspect that they are mostly written by people who are a lot like me. So, I can write a witty, worth-a-daily-visit blog also right? Well, it's not as easy as it looks. This is my third attempt at blogging, and while my second was definitely better than my first... I am hoping the third time's a charm. I think the key is just to keep posting. Also, this time, I am just going to write about my daily life or whatever happens to be on my mind.

So what is on my mind today as I think about the prospect of yet another blog attempt? In a word... confidence. After searching for happiness in many ways, I have decided that CONFIDENCE must be the answer. If you are confident that you are good at something, then you will enjoy doing it and being good at it. If you are confident that someone loves you and that you love them back, then you will be happy in that relationship. Confidence in your appearance also makes you happy. And by that, I mean looking good and feeling good about it. 250 pound women who say things like "I love myself just the way I am" or "I came to terms with my looks a long time ago" are just big, fat liars. When they get on the scale in the morning and see that number shoot over 200, they are not loving themselves. Trust me. Every time they bend down to tie their shoes and that roll of fat oozes over the top of their jeans, they are not happy about it. Of course, there is something to be said for a woman who can act confident, even if she's really not deep down. That's probably still more attractive than someone who wears every self-doubt on her sleeve.

When I was growing up, I was super self-confident. I knew that I was smarter than your average student. As a teenager, I was thin and sexy with long, flowing hair that made me feel good about myself. I had talents that a lot of people around me admired. I won competitions easily and had no problem putting myself in front of a crowd. When I think of that girl, I want to scream! Why am I not just an older version of her? There is, of course, a story between then and now that cannot be told in one entry, but maybe that's the wrong question to ask anyway. Deep down, I know that the way to a better future right now isn't going to be found by asking "why not?". I have asked that question a million times, and honestly, I already know why I am not that girl anymore. I let the actions of other people strip away my own self-confidence. Dwelling on certain events or certain people that hurt me is not going to bring that confidence back either. In fact, wallowing in that "poor me" land of regret and doubt where I am always the "victim" is only going to keep me doubting and regretting.

So, the right question is, what next? I may not be able to change my past choices, but I can certainly change my attitude towards today and tomorrow. One of my favorite poems is "Testament" by Erica Jong and in it she states "I declare myself now for joy!" I love that, and I hold onto that this morning as I think about confidence and change and the future. She says "If the joy house I inhabit must be a house of my own making, I accept that making." We create our own happiness or our own unhappiness. I think it is a daily choice, an hourly choice, and sometimes, on the really tough days, it is a choice we make moment to moment. Right now, I want to identify the obstacles in my way and to begin to eliminate them one step at a time. I choose to move toward life instead of away from it. I want to focus on this love that I have found, and to be happy that he loves me instead of doubting why he loves me.

Now comes the tough part, where I have to be able to hold onto those choices for the next five minutes, and the next five...