Pouring My Heart Out

Ah, faithful blog readers, I have been keeping things from you. I have been trying to act like things are normal and that I am one hundred percent focused on writing. I have been trying to pretend that even though I'm going through some tough personal things, I can still be superwoman when it comes to churning books out. Unfortunately, it all caught up with me this week at the beach.

The week I thought would be a huge breakthrough week for me, one where I would write 40,000 words and get ahead on my book deadline, actually turned out to be one of the most emotional weeks I've had in a very long time. (and trust me when I say, that's really saying something). Since technically this is my 'writing' blog, I haven't spent much time lately talking about my personal life. I used to do that more here before I had self-published. You know, back when no one was really reading, hehe. But I have been feeling like maybe it's not right to dump my personal issues on my readers and fans. After all, you come here to learn about my books, right? Not to hear about my problems...

On the other hand, I feel like my fans are my friends. You guys are always there to support me and hear me out. You celebrate with me and you understand when I'm upset about something. So why would this be any different? So, I have decided to share something with you. I promise I won't be talking about it a lot or whining about it on here on a regular basis. I just feel that since I went out there saying I would have a huge writing week - and have so obviously failed - maybe you deserved an explanation.

So, with all that being said, here is where I pour my heart out. For a long while now, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby. There aren't even words to express how very much I would love to be a mother. Unfortunately, I have a condition called PCOS that has caused infertility and made it a very difficult journey. For the past year, I have been going through various fertility treatments, doctor appointments, medications, acupuncture, you name it. After many failed cycles, we are now preparing to start IVF (in vitro fertilization). I won't go into all the fun details there, but I'll just say that if you aren't already familiar with what this entails, it isn't the most glamorous and fun thing a woman can go through. There have been a lot of tests and appointments leading up to this and now we are just 3 short weeks away from starting injections.

For me, this will mean 3 shots a day in my upper arms, which my nurse is saying may make it difficult to type for long periods of time. Almost daily appointments. Lots of hormones and other fun stuff. I'm ready for all of this, but if you know me at all, you know I'm an extremely emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve pretty much all the time. For me, infertility has been one of the most devastating and emotionally draining experiences of my life. And my writing is, of course, very closely tied to my emotions. Lately, because I'm having so much anxiety and worry and spending so much emotional energy on IVF, I haven't had as much to dedicate to my writing.

This is where the beach trip was supposed to come in. I had planned to leave my worries at home and come to a beautiful place to just write, write, write! I've used beach trips before with great success, so I expected this to be the same. Unfortunately, this emotional rollercoaster I'm on just wasn't something I could turn off and leave behind. I would love to say that I'm superwoman and can write through anything, but it's just not the case. This is a time where I really need to be nice to myself and do my best to take my time and write when I can. I hope you, dearest readers, will understand this.

So where does this leave Rival Demons? Hopefully, nothing will change as far as my schedule. I hope to still have the book out by the end of October if I can. The rough draft is really solid and I'm truly loving this story. And believe me, I can't WAIT for you to learn some big things about Harper in this next book. I promise that I will do my best to stay on schedule and to keep writing. At the same time, though, I'm going to ask for your prayers and your support as I go through this very difficult and emotional time in my life. I wish I could keep my writing and my personal life separate, but I honestly think that if I could do that, it wouldn't make me a very good writer. I have to feel whatever it is I feel. I have to live through it and deal with it in order to come out on the other side. This isn't something everyone understands, but I'm sharing it with you, hoping that you will.

Thanks for listening to me today. I'm actually leaving the beach early. My husband is currently on his way to come get me so we can be together. He is my rock and my heart and he just gets it and grounds me and makes me better. So, the beach trip ended with just under 8,000 words. A far cry from my goal of 40,000 words, but I'm going to pat myself on the back anyway and just keep chugging along over the next few weeks until the book is finished. In a way, my books and my characters are almost like my children, hehe, and during this time, I'm so grateful to know that no matter what, I'll always have them.