2009

It's always this time of year when I start looking back over the past 11 or 12 months and thinking about what I should have done differently. I know there is no way to change the past (at least until someone discovers how to time travel) so what's the point of looking back? Well, for me, it's about reflecting on what has been holding me back and figuring out what I most wish I would have done so that I can avoid feeling the same way this time next year.

So you might wonder how that method has been working out for me. You want the truth? It's shit. For the past how many years, I have sat here thinking "I should have lost more weight" or "I should not have let myself sleep so much." And yet the following year, I always feel the same way. I got to thinking about it this week, and I decided that the flaw in my thinking is that I'm always concentrating on what I did wrong and how crappy I was all year. How can I possibly expect to come out of a complete self-confidence lashing and suddenly emerge a new improved person?

This year, I think I will try actually aknowledging that there are some things that I have accomplished over the year. I mean, I did lose almost 20 pounds at least. Okay, so maybe it took me a year and a half, but 20 pounds is still a good start and I didn't gain it back, which is key. I finally finished a book (two, really!) and have found a writing system and style that works for me. I even got my first rejection letter which signifies my first time allowing the process to go full circle. I got engaged this year to the most amazing man I have ever met, and no matter what else happened this year, that step towards a permanent commitment trumps all.

I went through laser hair removal and am more beautiful today than I was a year ago. I have been taking steps to get healthier, and even though my diet is not as healthy as it can be, it is certainly better and more in control than it was a year ago. Although the house is not entirely decorated and clean, I did a good job keeping the downstairs clean and I also painted and decorated and got rid of a bunch of junk that was cluttering up the house. Those are all steps in the right direction, and it feels good to finally allow myself to be happy about that and look forward to what I can accomplish next year. It certainly feels much better than yelling at myself on the inside about what I didn't do. It's also easier to feel confident that I can achieve my goals for next year when I look at all that I accomplished this past year. Now, let's just hope I can hold onto these warm fuzzies for a while instead of reverting to my old ways of self-bashing. As G says, life right now is supposed to be sunshine and puffy clouds. And, truthfully, it really is...