New Attitude

Sometimes I feel as though I am constantly at war with my own attitude. I know what my attitude should be. I know what my attitude needs to be in order to find success and to be happy. But just because I know doesn't necessarily mean that I can always have the right attitude.

I was a mess when I first moved to NC. I was in love, and that made me very happy... but as for how I felt about myself... dismal. Over the past year and a half, I have worked really hard to get my act together and to change my attitude. It seemed for a while there that I was really doing well. I finished a story, I was exercising regularly, everything was grand. But for some reason, ever since I got home from my trip to Georgia, I have been the poopy, down in the dumps version of me that I dislike so much.

I don't even know how it's possible for someone to be on two different anti-depressants and still be feeling low. More drugs is certainly not the solution here. A new attitude is the only real solution. A new outlook or self view.

I get down on myself because I didn't follow the plan of what I think I need to do to be a good person. Does that make any sense at all? I finished a story, but I still haven't finished the editing and submitted it anywhere. I could have a freaking house full of finished stories and it wouldn't make a damn difference if I never tried to get them published! The thing is, why is it so hard to just restart today and pick myself up from right here, right now, and start over? I should be able to say to myself "Okay, so you screwed up and wasted time. Today is a new day. Let's get to work and reach some goals, because it's better late than never."

Instead, what I've been saying to myself sounds more like, "You are completely useless. Why do you even bother to try when you obviously suck so bad? You totally should have finished that story already. It should have already been submitted. it's too late now." WTF??? Why would I tell myself something that awful and discouraging? It makes me want to reach inside my own head and strangle myself!

Maybe what I need is a weekly kick in my own ass to say, "Here's where you are. You can't change the past. But you can start right now to make your future everything you always hoped for." I like that attitude much better.