Watching SATC last night was like catching up with old friends. I loved them and followed their stories, hanging on every word Sunday nights weekly for six years. We were friends from the beginning, and I have missed them terribly. Last night I got to spend just over 2 glorious hours with them again, and I loved every single moment. When it was over, I wanted more.
I don't want to reveal any of the movie plot for those friends who haven't seen it yet, but I will say that it is fabulous. The clothes are amazing, the women have grown and their lives are as complex as ever. The movie delivers what Carrie calls the two things women move to New York for: Labels and Love.
When I was younger, as in maybe 12 or 13, I used to spend endless hours scribbling down my New York City plan. Small town Hickville USA was just not cutting it for me, and I wanted out. I used to daydream about moving to the Big Apple and making a career for myself on Broadway. Of course, I was clueless as to how much apartments really cost there and how hard it really is to make it on Broadway. I didn't realize things like that until I was in my 20's, and by then my priorities had started to change. Sex and the City was, for me, a chance to live vicariously through the lives of these four amazing women in New York... and see what it might have been like for me if I had really had the balls to move there and try my talent on the big stage.
I don't regret my decision not to move to New York. I am perfectly happy where I am now, that's for sure. But it's still fun to watch how glamorous and complex and busy their lives are there. For 2 hours last night, I was a New Yorker again, even if only in fantasy. I guess that it would be impossible for any movie based on a show that touched my heart to truly live up to every expectation. Of course, there were things I might change if I were writing the story. But the truth is that I was just happy to spend a few more hours with my favorite fabulous gals. I'll probably see it at least two more times before it leaves the theaters.
Yay! Today's the day for the movie! Woohoo!!
I can't be totally excited about it yet this morning though, because I have to head to the doctor in about 15 minutes. I detest going to get a pap smear done. I know it's just one of those things that you have to do as a woman to be safe with your health, but it's uncomfortable and embarrassing and completely nerve-wracking. My stomach is doing flips. I am going in for a yearly physical with a totally new doctor I've never met before, and I'm nervous. Hopefully some good will come of it though, and I can figure out why I have headaches and feel tired all the time.
Today is also the day that I paint the dining room cranberry red. G and I primed the walls in there last night while watching episodes of SATC. I think the color is going to turn out fabulous and I can't wait to get started in putting it up! I will put pictures up when it's done. Overall, will be a busy day, but hopefully an amazing one.
I can't believe that it's almost here. I have been waiting for this movie since the first whisper that it might happen, and now I am less than 48 hours away from seeing it. For some reason, they opened the movie all over the world before releasing it in the USA last, but they claimed they were "building" up to the BIG premiere in New York City. I can't wait to look online later and see the pictures from the amazing red carpet premiere last night. I so wish that I could have been there, but plane tickets to New York, tickets to the premiere, hotel, food, taxis, it would have gotten crazy expensive.
I do already have my tickets for the first showing here in the Raleigh area, though. I looked online and it seemed like noon on Friday was the first showing, but when I looked closer I realized that several theaters are showing it at 12:01 am Thursday night/Friday morning. Officially opening day, by a minute. I bought my tickets at fandango.com and although I have never used it and it makes me a little nervous to trust that I will be able to get in, I will probably still go a bit early just to make sure.
I guess it's silly to get so riled up about a simple movie premiere, or even a TV show for that matter. Honestly, though, I connected with this show and these characters. I hope to write stories that connect with women the way Sex and the City has. I hope the movie is everything I want it to be. Just looking at some of the pictures online, like this one of Carrie in her wedding dress, makes me so excited. The fashion is, of course, one of the best parts of the series. I can't wait to see what they all wear in the film.
News reports say that this is the first time a movie has stirred so much interest in the female movie-goer from 20-40 years old. Of course, they should include more ages in that, because my mom is 57 and she is crazy excited about going to see it. They say that the movie might possibly give the 4th Indiana Jones movie a run for its box office money, and I honestly hope it does. Just a couple more days!!! I can't wait!
How sad when a long weekend with someone you love is over. G took Thursday and Friday off work so combined with Memorial Day off, we had five straight days together. Doesn't it always seem after a vacation that you didn't make the most of it? That it went by too fast? It always goes by too fast. I love spending time with G, and I hope and pray that someday soon we can figure out a great way to make money spending time together so we can just do that all the time.
The sun, the pool opening, the smell of the barbecues in the neighborhood... all of these signs point to summer just around the corner and one year for me living with G and not teaching. I definitely thought I would have more done by now and I am itching to get some results from myself. I think I am pretty much going to have to resort to forcing myself to be busy and get things done. George Elliot once said "It's never too late to become the person you might have been." I hope that is true.
I want to say that it starts today. Today I start to really focus on who I want to be and how I am going to get there. Today I stop being depressed about my past and all of the mistakes I've made. Today I feel good about myself and stop whispering horrible things in my own ear. Today is the day. Usually, however, the energy that made me proclaim this glorious day of victory just has no staying power and by mid-day I am feeling low again and unable to carry on. The depression sets in, the mood grows dark and all I want to do is go to bed or curl up and watch a movie. Deep inside, I am so ready for change. I am ready to become the person I might have been. Maybe today will be different.
This is the kind of news that can bring me to tears. I remember hearing news in the 90's about Ethiopia's Hunger crisis and seeing pictures on TV of babies with swollen bellies and such, but I thought that after aid and help, it had gotten a lot better there. Well, apparently it is bad again. Drought is something we joke about a bit here in our house, because the news proclaims a terrible drought in NC while it is raining almost two or three times a week. I can see that it's no joke and no laughing matter in Africa.
My heart honestly goes out to these babies who are suffering. Just reading about a child who used to be full of life and who now doesn't even bother to swat away flies in his face as he stares blankly ahead, makes me want to vomit. How can life be so different there? 126,000 severely malnourished children, they report. How terribly sad. It's hard for us here to even imagine not living in a place where there are 12 fast food restaurants within easy driving distance, not to mention a few grocery stores with shelves full of affordable food. But these people live in villages where the entire area depends on the crops that they grow. Without rain, there are no crops. Without rain for years in multiple areas, food supply goes way down while demand continues to rise. Most of these people can't afford rice or milk, simple staples that would make all the difference in their lives right now.
On CNN yesterday, that Ethiopia story was the No. 2 most viewed story, 2nd only to an equally heart-wrenching story about a city in Iraq where women are raped and killed by gangs for wearing jeans. But the number 3 story brought me to giggles. A 24 year old pilot for Pinnacle Airlines and his 24 year old flight attendant friend got drunk and decided to "go do it in the woods." I'm sure they were laughing and having a great time when someone in the neighborhood (who probably hasn't gotten laid in months) called the police on them to report their nudity. The poor pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only his flip-flops and a wristwatch.
These two horny 24 year old kids were then taken to jail and charged with a number of offenses, probably almost ruining their lives and careers. The airline they work for has suspended them "while the company investigates." Investigates what exactly? They were drunk and horny and decided on a whim to get naked and go into the woods to have sex. Okay, so the lady took a flashlight from someone's car. Jesus. There are people dying of starvation in Ethiopia and all we can concern ourselves with in this country is the crimes committed by two 20'somethings who were just out to have a good time and were not hurting anyone. It boggles the mind.
Have you seen this story about a woman in Santa Barbara who is living in her Honda with her two dogs? I know that people living in their cars is nothing new, and it's a sad fact that many people have been forced to live in their cars if they were even lucky enough to have a car. However, it seems to be a growing epidemic in California right now because of layoffs and the lack of low income housing.
This, like most issues lately, has two sides for me. On one hand, I'm thinking, God, you have a CAR. A Honda, no less. Why not freaking drive a few hundred miles and settle down somewhere that doesn't cost half a million dollars a year to live in? Or sell the car and figure something else out? She found a job that pays $8 an hour, and she draws a little bit from Social Security "to help make ends meet" says the article. I guess I wish they would tell me what ends are being met if she's living in a car? Her dog food expenses? Get rid of the damn dogs! Her credit card bills or something? Screw that, they can wait, the filthy scavengers. There HAS to be a better way that living in your car. There just has to be.
Another part of me is more sympathetic to what she's going through. I mean, what kind of city has no affordable housing? When we get to a point that $8 an hour plus social security is still not enough to even afford a tiny low income apartment, there's an issue. Someone should be building some affordable housing, or bussing people in from a nearby area that has it anyway. Thinking of hundreds of women sleeping in their cars every night because that's all they can afford is just heart wrenching, and I'm sure they never thought they would be in that kind of situation.
I guess it's easy for me to sit back and judge and say "Move away, make something happen for yourself." The truth of their situation, however, is hard for me to grasp. I'm sure that making big changes and taking the risk of moving to an unknown city and hoping to make your life better is a very scary thing. It sounds easy enough, but so does losing weight, and I've been struggling with that for years now. Taking action on something is definitely not as easy as talking about it. I can't judge these women living in parking lots, but I sure do hope that their situation improves. My heart truly goes out to them.
Sometimes I feel as if there are several me's alive inside of this one body, and I can't seem to figure out which one is real enough to focus on. There is one me that constantly puts me down. Sort of an outside looking in me that sees nothing but the flaws and the bad things. She is quick to remind me of any negatives about myself the second they rear their ugly heads, and never ceases to let me forget that I am not at all what I had meant to be.
There is another me that is just so tired all the time. She wants to crawl into bed 30 seconds after she's just crawled out. Every time the subject of hard work comes up or of exercise or wanting to make myself better, she emerges and lays her heavy weight on my heart.
Another me chimes in and says that I should just go back to teaching because that's the best I'll ever be. It was a respectable career that I sort of enjoyed, and even though there is not much chance of advancement, at least it was a steady paycheck. No one could be disappointed in me as a teacher as long as I was doing my best and working hard to make a difference. I was proud of myself as a teacher and even though it's not my dream, it was at least something.
The dreamer in me whispers to hang on, don't give up, go for your dreams. She shakes her head at my failures and my daily choices and begs me to wake up and take action. In fact, she's not whispering at all. She's screaming her lungs out. It only sounds like a whisper because of the louder parts of my psyche that are telling me to quit, give up, be lazy, go to bed. She's the one I want to believe in the most, because she makes me feel like anything is possible and that tomorrow is a brand new chance for me. But if she's the real me, then how come I can't find a way to shut everyone else up and only listen to the dreamer?
Maybe none of those voices are me. Maybe it's all just noise in my head, keeping me from true peace and happiness. I don't know, honestly. I guess this part of my life journey is about figuring that out and learning how to be my best self. Am I getting down to it too late I wonder?
Racism is alive and well in America, but that's something everyone already knows. It made national headlines last week that Morehouse, an historically black men's school in Atlanta, has a white male valedictorian. Apparently it is shocking news that out of 3000 black men, "there's not one who has done as well as or better" than this white guy.
According to one black student, Vinson Muhammad, this news is " unsettling to me because it shows that we need to work harder." We? Meaning black men? I am sensing a definite "Us vs. Them" mentality here. At a school that claims to champion the teachings of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a lot of their students seem to be in favor of separating themselves from the white community in order to become black men of power. I may not be a scholar when it comes to Dr. King's beliefs, but I don't think that his intentions during the civil rights movement involved black men segregating themselves on purpose so they could think themselves "better" than their white counterparts.
This kind of news always stirs up feelings of anger and resentment inside of me. I grew up in a school system and community that was half black and half white. We didn't see much diversity beyond that other than the occasional Hispanic family, and race issues always stemmed from the age-old black vs. white racism. I am not going to deny that blacks, as a race, have been sorely mistreated in America. However, I think the road to a better future for everyone involves breaking down those barriers between races and letting go of resentment that has been passed down through generations. I am fairly certain that the answer is NOT about blacks rising above the whites in order to be superior leaders.
There is a balance problem here that will have to be addressed sooner or later. It makes news and brings out all kinds of hatred and resentment when a white man (who, if you read the article, has largely identified with the black community all of his life) has the best GPA at a black school. However, you will never see news reports about how angry it makes people that a black man was valedictorian at a predominantly white school. Well, one reason for that is most schools that used to be predominantly white are actively recruiting blacks and minorities so that they don't get fines and get slapped with accusations of racism. The bottom line is that it is not okay to have a "white" school in this day and age.
Having a "black" school seems to be just fine. You will hear words thrown in like "culture" and talk of "preserving our heritage" in reference to black only schools. Can you just imagine the holy hell that would break loose if Harvard started talking about "preserving our white heritage" and how upset they were that a black man was doing well at Harvard because it is unsettling how black men could do better than white men? It's just unheard of in this century.... while the black heritage is well worth preserving.
There is no easy answer and there is no easy way to look at this issue. I just get so tired of hearing how the white man is always keeping the black man down. It's as if every time you turn around, someone else is playing the race card, saying that they were mistreated because of their race and that somehow they deserve compensation. It's like Kanye West screaming backstage at the VMA's that they never "give a black man a chance." Do people not see the absurdity of a statement like that coming from a multi-millionaire who has been given more opportunities than most Americans ever get?
I am sure that anyone reading this who has opposing views would certainly call me racist. Maybe I am to an extent. Isn't everyone? Racism is commonly defined as "prejudice and discrimination based on race." We all have racial stereotypes ingrained in our minds and preconceived ideas about how someone of a certain race will react to different situations or comments. But does being annoyed and rolling my eyes at that stereotypical behavior when it happens constitute racism? Maybe in some cases it does. But if you think I am racist, aren't you also rolling your eyes at me for being white and having these ideas? Like so many other things in life, it's a vicious cycle and I have no answers.
I have wanted to learn to play guitar for years. There was a time when I was about 22 that I bought one and started to teach myself. I learned about four commonly used chords, a few strumming techniques, and then applied them to about 10 different praise and worship songs at church. My goal at the time was to play for the youth choir that I was leading at church. I played for them a few times, but I never really got very good at it.
If there's one thing I'm sure of, you can't really play any instrument well unless you practice. A lot. And guitar takes a particularly large amount of practice for two reasons. Number one is that in order to press down on the steel strings for any amount of time, you have to build up callouses. Number two is that you have to contort your fingers into crazy uncomfortable positions and then move them smoothly from one uncomfortable chord to another. I definitely need to work on both of those things.
My last guitar, a pretty Ibanez, was destroyed in the last house fire, so I knew that I wanted to find a good replacement. My goal was to find something that not only had a good sound and was a decent quality for a beginner, but also had some style and beauty. I have been looking online for some time with no luck. Then, last weekend, G and I went to this store called "Music & Arts" at Crossroads and I found this gorgeous, perfect-for-me Hummingbird. It's an Epiphone and I love it. I have been picking it up a few times a day and playing it a bit, trying to remember the four chords I learned years ago.
I talked to the people at the store about guitar lessons, because I thought maybe that would be the best way to go about learning. They offer weekly 30 minute lessons at $100 a month. Damn, I would like to be making $100 a month for only working 30 minutes. It made me think that maybe I should open a vocal studio here in Raleigh. But anyway, I opted not to take lessons and instead have purchase a CD Rom with 31 beginning guitar lessons. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm excited to start really learning though, and I hope I am good at it. It's such a beautiful guitar.
Well, I never thought the day would come when a "Full-Figured" model would win ANTM, but tonight Whitney proved me wrong. Going up against Anya in the final 2 was no easy challenge, but it was Whitney's runway ownage that won her the title. Honestly, I'm just glad to see anyone but Dominique win this season. And okay, if I'm confessing, I was glad when Fatima got sent home #3. Whitney, to me, was always the prettiest of all the girls as far as her average every day looks. Her attitude was also fun to watch. She was always very confident and let's face it, a bit of a bitch.
Anya was equally as deserving of a win, but she just didn't quite pull it together in the final days of the competition. Her runway was stilted and lacked confidence and style. Her final Cover Girl picture was not nearly as pretty as it could have been either. I think she will definitely be a great model, though, and I hope she continues and gets a big modeling contract out of this.
I am always so sad to see a season end. With Survivor ending last Sunday, and American Idol's Finale looming next week, how will I satisfy my reality tv obsession? "So You Think You Can Dance" begins May 22nd, so I probably will channel my energies there. I have watched the audition process on that show before, but have never stuck with it the whole way through. I'm dying for a new season of The Amazing Race, so hopefully that will start up again here soon.
I thought this season of America's Next Top Model was pretty good and that overall, the girls were so much more talented than in some previous season. I also think that Whitney will do a great job (hey, anyone is better than Jaslene right?). It's just refreshing to see a size 10 girl win a modeling competition! Size 2 is the average size of a model doing runway, which is no surprise really. I just think that once you take into consideration that probably 75% of the women who read fashion magazines are more on the size 10 side of it than the 2's, we should all be looking to women like Whitney as role models.
I am not necessarily in the mood for bad news, but my internet homepage has been practically shouting at me for days about the cyclone in Myanmar and the Earthquake in China. I mean, it's news here in the states that Hilary Clinton won the W.VA primary and that 20 people died in tornadoes. Sure, those are both instances of somewhat upsetting news, especially the tornadoes, which is surely devastating for some communities. However, in comparison, Asia is seriously going through some shit right now.
The death toll in China has already topped 15,000 people, and that includes many children and teens who were killed in collapsing school buildings. There are still an estimated 26,000 people who are buried under rubble and 14,000 who are just plain missing. In one area, only 3000 of the town's 12,000 people survived. I come from a pretty small town in Georgia. I cannot even imagine what it would be like it 3/4's of my hometown was just wiped out in a single day. That means almost everyone you know would be dead. The horror of their situation is just unimaginable.
Except that the people in Myanmar are even worse off right now. I honestly had to look it up on a map because I wasn't sure where Myanmar, or what has also been called Burma, was in the world. I knew it was an Asian country near India, but other than that, I couldn't pinpoint it on a map, I am sorry to say. But even though I could not have located them on a map two weeks ago, my heart goes out to its citizens who are truly in pain today. A cyclone sent surging storm waters through the delta there, devastating the area. The Myanmar government is not letting foreign aid workers into the country, which is the big news right now.
In some ways, I can't blame them. I mean, look at how our own country has handled storms. We didn't do that great of a job ourselves during Katrina honestly, but then again, not anywhere near that many people died here in the US. Myanmar is reporting that 28,000 people died in the cyclone, but the UN is saying that it's more like 60,000 plus, with the threat of thousands more. Also, there is no fuel to burn the bodies, so the threat of spreading disease is upon them as well. There are millions of people with no homes right now, and I look around at all the comforts I have around me, feeling incredibly grateful and terribly sad for these people.
According to news, there are threats of another cyclone that might hit the area. I think it's interesting that CNN makes a point to note that the Myanmar government would not allow stations to broadcast that news within the country. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not a communist or someone who believes by any means that the government should control my freedoms. However, these people are very upset, they have lost everything and almost everyone they loved. They have no defenses if there is another cyclone anyway, so why upset them with the news that there might be another one? I can understand where the government is coming from there.
On the other hand, if the people had more information and more aid was made available, they might have more of a chance at survival, and doesn't everyone deserve that? It's a complicated issue, and one that I do not even have my own head on straight about, much less advice for anyone else. I just thought it was sad that looking down the list of CNN's 10 most popular stories, the Clinton/Obama issue ranks much higher in news priority than millions of people being suddenly homeless and tens of thousands dead on the other side of the world. My heart and thoughts go out to them, and I hope that they get the aid they need to make it through this tragedy.
There are these little strip mall type shops and eateries just down the street from where G and I live. We often drive by them and say to each other, "We should walk down here and check these out sometime, walk through all of the different places." So, last night we did just that.
There has been a lot of rain and storms lately, so we actually drove over to the area and got out to walk (umbrella in hand which thankfully we never really needed). Our purpose was to find a place to eat that we had not been to before. There were several shops that were closed either in the evenings all together or specifically on Mondays. Indian food, Mexican food, a diner, etc.
After we had walked around the entire area, our choices for food were Mexican, Japanese, and Korean. We just had Mexican the day before and we eat Japanese a lot, so we chose Korean. Now, neither one of us had ever tried Korean food before, but i figured, it's Asian cuisine, so it's probably a little bit like Chinese food.
The host asked us if we wanted to cook or just sit at a regular table. We informed him that we were clueless as to Korean food know-how and for him to recommend and lead us on our dining experience. He sat us down at a table that had a little grill in the middle of it and a giant silver vent above us. Now, as far as the experience of eating at the Korean restaurant, it was fabulous. We had such a great time together and the food was really good. We ordered sweet ribs, which came raw and had to be cooked on the little grill. It also came with an appetizer, so we got dumplings which were very similar to something I've had at a Chinese restaurant. There were loads of extras also. Kim chi, Seaweed, Cucumbers with seasoning, radish, lettuce, rice, bean sprouts and a spicy paste of some sort. I liked almost everything except the Kim chi and the paste. A few of the things kind of turned G's stomach, but he loved the meat and the rice.
The service was fantastic and the process of cooking the food and trying something new was fun. The aftermath... not so fun. Shortly after we got home, we were both burping up the taste of the food. Specifically the dumplings, I think. The food tasted really good the first time around, but the taste in my mouth every time I burped was awful. We both sucked on Butterscotch to try to hide it, but that didn't help too much. I was hoping that when I got up this morning I would be free from the food, but that was just wishful thinking. My stomach feels terrible. It's all gurgly and upset. I guess I should have expected it what with trying something I've never had before.
I don't want this to deter us from trying new restaurants and different cuisines, but despite the excellent experience in the restaurant, the way I feel this morning is enough to make me never want Korean food again.
Wow, I am actually sad that this Season of Survivor is over. It was, hands down, the very best season I have ever watched. A lot of people are saying the only one that was better was Season 1, and only better because back then it was all so new. I have not ever seen the first season of Survivor, I will admit, but I have seen most of them since. Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites was the best, and now it is over. :(
Last night's finale was fantastic! The whole night there were storms coming through the area and I was just praying that we wouldn't lose power! Final four going into last night was Parvati, Amanda, Cirie and Natalie. Out of all of those, I wanted Natalie to go first, and go she did. Amanda won immunity and Nat was voted out. I was nervous for a bit that they would vote out Cirie, and since Cirie was my episode one pick to win, I wanted to see it all the way through. Cirie did not win, though. For the past several seasons of Survivor, they have had a final 3, instead of a final 2, so I just had assumed this season would be the same. Not true.
This season they decided to narrow it down to a final 2 like Survivor pre-Exile Island. Cirie was next to go, leaving only Amanda and Parvati. To tell you the truth, I was a bit shocked at the final votes. Three votes Amanda, three votes Parvati, two votes left. Parvati. So, with one vote left, it was either Parvati wins or there would be a tie. I wondered for a moment what they would do if there was a tie, but I didn't have long to ponder it because Jeff read the final vote... Parvati wins. I wasn't expecting that, although she did play an amazing game.
I love watching Reality tv, but I very rarely can predict a winner. It's just not a talent that I have. I was just proud of myself for choosing Cirie and ending up 3rd. Even when it was down to the final 2, I couldn't predict the winner. I'm not sure why Amanda didn't win, honestly. Maybe the jury felt that she was fake or else they thought she was lying while Parvati was putting herself out there and telling all the gory details of how she played. Maybe they thought that she was not as strategic as Parvati, who knows. I personally think that Amanda lost the million right at the last two tribal councils. I mean, she CRIED about having to vote out Cirie, saying it was a difficult thing to do. Meanwhile, everyone on the jury was thinking "You're final 2, you made it! Why the hell are you crying??" Then, her final statement to the jury was basically just "Thanks for getting me where I am now." Bad bad bad. She should have outlined how her decisions and gameplay changed the game or how she was a tough strategic and physical player throughout the game. She should have said that she was the best. Oh well.
I was very happy to see that James won the $100,000 Sprint giveaway for player of the season. He was probably my absolute favorite for two seasons running. He just has the best conversations and says the greatest things. No matter what, James is always honest and true to himself. He's the kind of guy I wish I knew and I think I would be friends with.
Well, time to head off to work out this morning, but I had to write something up on Survivor since it has been a part of my Thursday nights for months. I am sad that it is over, but a "job well done" to this season's cast. You guys rocked. Good job Parvati and congratulations. You definitely deserved to win.
Not only am I completely wild about Hello Kitty, but I am also an MMO nerd. So, what could be better than a Hello Kitty MMORPG??? Nothing!! The Hello Kitty Online game is currently in closed Beta testing, and I can't wait for it to be released to the public! At SanrioTown, they are holding a contest for who can make the best Hello Kitty Online Trailer using their promotional photos and music. Since I haven't played the game yet, I don't know how great of a trailer I can make, but I am sure as heck going to try to make a good one! They are giving away prizes after all, and I just can't resist! You can enter as many times as you want until the middle of June, so you can expect that I will put in a lot of entries.
Check out my first entry and rate it :)! I want to win the Hello Kitty tote bag that's only sold in Japan, or the 1 GB memory stick! Here is the link to my video . I am also going to embed the video here if I can figure out how to do it :)
As most of you know, I have been on the Weight Watchers"123 Success!" program for about 10 months now. I honestly expected that by this summer, a full year on the program, I would have lost 50 lbs and been down to my ultimate goal weight. WW worked for me in the past and I had every faith that it would work again.
But here's the thing: I have only lost 12 lbs. Yes, I suppose that is better than nothing, but it's not earth shattering by any means. I realize that Weight Watchers, or any program for that matter, cannot be 100% responsible for whether or not its members lose weight. It's not as though they follow you around all week and make you eat healthy food. For me, though, it has gotten to a point where going to the meetings is no longer inspirational. In fact, it's the opposite. Every time I leave a meeting on Fridays, I am upset, frustrated, and downright disgusted.
I refuse to sit through another meeting where a 130 lb. waif complains that the "weight has just come off sooooo slowly... it's been like a pound a week, and it's sooooo hard." A pound a week?! Give me a break. Most of us are lucky if we average out half a pound a week. The last person who said that she has had a really hard time of it and that the weight has come off really slow and has taken her a long time made me perk up a bit, interested in her story and whether she was like me or not. When the instructor asked her how long she'd been coming to meetings, her reply was "I've been a member since January (and it was April)." I almost got up to leave. She reached her goal weight in less than four months and she's giving us some sob story about how LONG it took??
The other thing that bothers me about the Weight Watchers "Success" program is the food they sell under the Weight Watchers name. At the grocery store, I can buy a 1 point fudge bar that is delicious. But if I eat two of them, they don't equal 2 points total, it equals 4 points total. 4 points! The zero point soup is the same way. If I eat one serving, it's zero points, hoorah! But if I eat the entire can, which is 2 servings, it's 3 points! See a pattern here? Basically, they are bringing the calories and fat in their products to the absolute edge of what's acceptable for the amount of points they want to label it with. The 1 point fudge bar is so close to being 2 points that if you eat 2, it's 4 points. However, instead of putting 2 points on the box which is really closer to the truth, they put 1 point and then sit back and laugh at us all as we eat them and only count them as 1 point. Then we wonder why we gained weight while they take their precious $40 a month.
Think of it this way, if everyone lost weight on their program and was successfully losing an average of 1 pound a week, they would lose millions of dollars. Do they really want us to be successful when they are getting so rich off of our desperation? I am not convinced they really have my best interests at heart. So, with that being said, I am going to stop paying them $40 a month and stop going to these meetings that make me feel worse every week. Instead, I am going to think about what did work from that program and create my own diet plan. If it takes me 10 months to lose the rest of this 40 lbs that I want to lose, I'll just give myself a $400 bonus because of all the money I saved doing it on my own. And I'll go buy a really sexy little size 6 dress. :)
I have never really been a person who sticks to routine very well. Sure, I think that I crave routine, as most people do. I am constantly trying to put together schedules and color-coded versions of my calendars. I always think that a daily schedule filled with routine is the answer to all of my shortcomings. Maybe that is true, but I still find it hard to actually follow and stick to a routine.
Just when I'd gotten into the habit of a Jazzercise morning with writing to follow, I went home for five days and now it's all gone to crap. Most people probably would have gone straight back into their routines without missing a beat, but I just couldn't do it. I felt so tired after a day of driving. And, honestly, after five days with my family, which turned out to be nonstop. I have also had a bit of a stomach ache and a headache, which isn't exactly making me want to get up and go.
I guess my question to myself this morning is: Why do I resist routine? It should be a comfort to me and a road to great achievement, consistency and productivity. There really isn't a single thing that's bad about routine. Maybe it can get boring sometimes, but as long as you're getting things done, it should still be a great idea overall. So why do I resist? I love Jazzercise, but I haven't gone the past two days, and I am honestly just thinking it would be better to get back into it on Monday when I can start a fresh week. I have no real answer to why I resist. Maybe it's because deep down I am scared of what will happen if I follow routines and do every little thing I know that I should do in order to be successful. What if I do all those things and am consistent and everything... but I'm still not successful? Or I still haven't achieved those things I planned to achieve?
Maybe that's the real fear. If I follow routine, then I lose the excuse to be less than amazing. If I gain weight, I can always say "well, I didn't go to work out for 2 weeks, so i really just need to get back on my routine." Not following my routine allows me that explanation and excuse. There is a degree of comfort to be found in those excuses. I mean, if I honestly woke up tomorrow and followed every little instruction on my schedule and accomplished everything I wanted to get done for the day... and then repeated that process for months... what would my excuse be for not publishing a novel or being incredibly thin and gorgeous?
Of course, on the other hand, maybe if I did all those things, I wouldn't need an excuse because I'd actually BE thin and have a novel that was published.
My trip yesterday was really nice. Barely any traffic. Nice Weather. A really good audio book. No speeding tickets :p. I got here in record time, honestly. Of course, gas prices suck no matter how you look at it, but I have a feeling that is only going to get worse as we move into the summer. It's definitely the most expensive trip I've made home in a long time, but it's worth it to see my family.
Tonight, my brother and his wife and I are going to take their boat out on the Ocmulgee River, which should be fun. It's a bit too hot in Georgia for my tastes already, but no big surprise there. I am really looking forward to hanging out with them, I just wish G was here with me. I have had a headache all day, and when I spoke to him a while ago, he has one too. That made me wonder if being away from each other is so hard that it makes us physically ill to a point. Maybe that sounds like total cheese, but I really do miss him.
Okay, well if I am going to be on a boat all afternoon, I need to go shave my legs, haha. My Mom is taking off work tomorrow so we can go shopping all day, woohoo! So I doubt I will update at all until Monday or Tuesday next week. Have a great weekend dear readers.